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Part 2! You can find part one here: [link]

Featuring the amazing and fantastic Corporal Izzy Sixx, of Darwin's Fist!

Part Three will be up shortly, with any luck at all!

Enjoy!
Mature
© 2012 - 2024 SampsonHemp
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Splooshedonawall's avatar
More correcting:

'That’s why the warehouse we use as a headquarters doesn’t have massive ion cannons or railguns'
-A headquarters doesn't have... Do I have to say more?

'although the government hates when we blast holes in the surrounding, paved streets). '
-The comma doesn't need to be there.

'What I wouldn’t give for a Gatling gun or three, though…'
-There should be a comma after 'gun'.

'Aidan Blot, Corporal Izzy Sixx, and I stood on the roof of the Training Hall, watching the night.'
-The last comma doesn't need to be there, even though there would be a natrual pause if you were speaking out loud.

'You said they’re got hellhounds?” '
-You mean 'they've', right?

'Blot and I sprinted past and burst outside'
-In the paragraph this is used in, it doesn't say exactly what they are passing, so it is either pointless to say that they sprinted past, or there should be a noun that they sprint past. Can it be assumed that they are sprinting past Norman?

'It was true, we saw instantly.'
-Instead of a comma, there should be a period, or a semi-colon after 'true', because you're stating two different ideas at once. (but if you were to use a period, you would have to re-word the sentence anyway) Commas are usually used to list things, or seperate clauses. (I don't think it has to be this way, I'm just pointing it out.)

'Three large vans had released somewhere between thirty and forty cloaked and hooded figures.'
-'Somewhere' should be somewhere else in this sentence. Either at the beginning or the end, but not where it is at right now. Or if you meant the word 'somewhere' to be used as a random number replacement, the word 'between' already does that, so having 'somewhere' there makes it confusing. (Or maybe that's just because it's really early right now)

'“Police have been informed and SWAT will get here in a bit'
-There should be a comma after 'informed'. Also, in the sentence that this bit is in, you can make everything their own sentence, or make it a run-on sentence. However, there's nothing actually wrong, besides the fact that it seems like you've just learned what a semi-colon is, and you want to show the world that you know it. Kind of like how when you teach a kid how to snap, they don't stop snapping until you kill them.

'Oh, and none of us knows how to kill the hellhounds.'
-Tenses, dear. You can't change tenses in the middle of a story, unless the story is a giant flash-back or something like that, and in that case, the reader would probably like to know.

'...there’s only so much someone can do against a great bloody mob like that one with only a pistol or three. '
-There should be a comma after 'pistol'.

'Right then, I thought, let’s see what we can do.'
-I think there should be a comma after 'right', but I'm not sure about that.

'Sixx looked out at the circle of cultists, who were beginning to enclose the headquarters.'
-Tenses again.

'...so I’ve trained primarily in firing sidearms, using throwing knives, and long distance weaponry'
-Has the implication that Hemp is throwing long distance weaponry. Please, for the sake of all good things, don't let him throw long distance weaponry.

'I pulled my shotgun off of the rifle holster strapped to my back, and began loading it.'
-The comma doesn't need to be there




Firstly, my German teacher told me that he would laugh if he had a student who wrote in different dialects just because they could, and I do that a lot just because I prefer it. However, I now totally understand what he means. Using British words does not make the story British, it just makes it sound weird. Here's why: British and American writing are very different in style. If you read Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, or Through The Looking Glass, you'll see precisely what I mean (those two come to mind because they are also written old-school style, and so the mannerisms are even more prominent).
Secondly, for most of the time reading this, I thought that this was from the perspective of Blot, even though he was actually mentioned as being a person outside of the narrator. Hemp is not supposed to be kind and cuddly, right? He's supposed to reflect who you are in real life, or at least your personality. You don't say things like, 'I know this sounds egotistic, but...'. You just are egotistic and arrogant, or at least you always come off that way. Your characters, no matter whose voice you're speaking in, should each have their own personalities, strengths and weaknesses. Not all of them can be Superman; they can't all have the same skills, or the same speaking/narrating style. Like, Blot is supposed to be the hard-ass, right (I honestly don't know; this is your cannon here, dear)? Maybe he could make side comments about the moron beginners (another comment on the dialectual thing: using words like 'noob' doesn't fit at all. Or 'erm', unless using it in a dialouge), or something along those lines. The softie of the group should do things like worry about others sometimes, while the toughest of the group should point out weaknesses in others, unless he's the strong but quiet guy. And no, he's not THAT GUY. Because THAT GUY may always exist in the real world, but not everybody understands, or cares to understand what you mean by THAT GUY. I really can't say any more without wearing out what was already said in both parts of this ongoing short story.