literature

Adventures With Norman! Part 2

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Adventures With Norman! Part 2

For some reason, I’m not lynched for having wrote the last one, so I’ll give you a second one!

Here, have some more two-minute adventures with Norman!


I woke up to find Norman staring at me. That wouldn’t have been as much of a problem if he hadn’t also been about three inches away from my face.

“Gah!” I screamed, crabbing away backwards on my hands. “What the hell, dude!?”

He continued to stare. “I like to watch people sleep.”

“Not like that’s creepy or anything, but… but that’s really effing creepy, Norman!”

Steadily, a grin crept over his face. “Yeeeeess. Yes, it is.”

Realization struck, then. “And how did you get in my house? It’s locked and bolted!”

“You didn’t lock the chimney, Sampson.”

“That’s because this is the penthouse suite in an apartment building! I don’t have a chimney!”

He tried to look sheepish. “Er, you do now.”

 I glared back. “What.

THE END

Yeah, okay.

That really is a 'Norman' thing to do, I guess.

------------------------------

Hospitals are places where the dead can cross over from the land of the living. Near-death experiences happen all the time near hospitals, simply because of the proximity of the Other Side. But there are other things I hate about hospitals, too… or at least things I hate about having to stay in a hospital.

For instance, there are the well-wishers. Gifts, fruit baskets, get-well cards, flowers, money; all come in to patients in critical condition. Well, so I’m told; I don’t really get any of these. That’s the other thing I hate about hospitals.

I was in the intensive care unit because of a particularly nasty wound I received at the claws of a zombie had gotten infected. I had resigned myself to sitting in a bed for twenty-four hours a day doing nothing.

It really wasn’t all that bad, though. At least I had the excuse to catch up on my reading.

Then the door fell in.

Startled, I looked up from the combat manual I’d been halfway through. Norman strode in through the now-empty doorway with a tired expression. He stood at the foot of the bed and took a deep breath.

“You’ve been evicted.”

“Wait, what?!” I nearly shrieked. “When did this happen!?”

Norman frowned. “They didn’t even send you a notice? That’s cold, dude.”

Because this was Norman, I narrowed my eyes and thought a moment. “You do realize that I’m in the penthouse suite of the same apartment building you live in, right?”

He nodded sadly. “You used to be. Here, look.” He handed me a small notice, informing me that the occupants of Room 81 had been evicted.

I glared at him. “My suite is labeled ‘91’, dipshit.”

He stared at me for a moment, then shrugged. “Oh well, maybe next time.” Then, fuming, I watched him walk back out of the hole in the wall he’d made.

THE END

Oh well, false alarm! (!?!)

Dammit, Norman

------------------------------------

Norman told me one night after a few beers that he was secretly a furry.

“Oh God! Werewolf!” I roared.

He stopped talking to me for three weeks afterwards.

THE END

Dammit….Sampson

-------------------------------------

“Norman!” I bellowed. “Did you just put the banana peels on the stairs?!”

He looked up guiltily from the banana he’d been about to eat. “No.”

You lie!” Then I punched him. Then I left.

THE END

What

What is this

-------------------------------------

And, because you have suffered enough by reading through this, have a cookie.


Have I ever told you about the time Norman enchanted a chocolate cookie to look like a new student at his college? No? Well, I’m not going to, either, until I’m either dead or really, really drunk. The End.

THE END(?)

I, I just don't know what to say to this.
© 2012 - 2024 SampsonHemp
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Splooshedonawall's avatar
I like Norman. Can I have his babies?

also, I had a cookie before I read this. Irony.